Top 10 signs your EMS dispatcher hates you

If you’ve ever wondered if your dispatcher is an evil genius bent on breaking your spirit, here are 10 ways to tell

1. All the other crews get posted in clean, well-lit locations with good Wi-Fi signals. You, on the other hand, get posted behind the spooky abandoned building that looks suspiciously like the Bates Motel. But the people you meet there are so… interesting!
2. Whenever other crews make a wrong turn, the dispatcher is watching the vehicle tracking display, and notifies them promptly with a course correction. You get notifications, too… written ones, routed through your supervisor a few days later.
3. You notice that, in addition to the Drivecam, your ambulance is fitted with several more tiny cameras that all point outward, to let the dispatcher know when you get out of the rig for a meal.
4. You discover a proximity sensor in your pager that automatically notifies dispatch whenever you get within 12 inches of a large amount of porcelain – like in a toilet or urinal. And yours, it turns out, are on a 30-second delay.
5. You pay a visit to the dispatch center to schmooze and bring donuts, and you notice that the ENTER key on your dispatcher’s keyboard has been relabeled PUNK AMBULANCE 506.
6. While other crews seem to get the easy standby assignments like rodeos or drag races or the prolonged hostage standoff that takes all shift, you get the Golden Acres Convalescent Home bingo tournament and senior Olympics.
7. Other dispatchers have small personal touches of home at their consoles: pictures of family, inspirational sayings, small plants. Your dispatcher has a voodoo doll that looks suspiciously like you.
8. You notice that odd background noise you hear whenever you are given a posting assignment is the sloshing of a Magic 8 Ball.
9. Other crews and their dispatchers socialize on their days off. Your dispatcher’s kids toilet paper your house every weekend.
10. When the Emergency Department gives you a heads-up about two upcoming long-distance transfers, and you volunteer for one of them… dispatch gives you the incontinent one with C. diff diarrhea and necrotic foot ulcers.

If you laughed at this Top 10 list, you’ve probably been tortured by a dispatcher in the past. If you didn’t, you probably are a dispatcher.
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